I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
