did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
