Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
