It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
