I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
