you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
