Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
