the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
