Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
