Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was confusing and full of hummus
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
