Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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