Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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