Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize