I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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