Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
