I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
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He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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