I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
