Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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