I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
