yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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