Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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