I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
