just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
