I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
