got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
