some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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