Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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