you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i dont even know how to be here
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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