I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
