Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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