if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
