I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
