I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
