No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
