her vagine was all disorganized.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
