The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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