i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Sober January is a disaster.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
