Im at strip club and am horny
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
