I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
