**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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