I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
