Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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