I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
