I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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