Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
