Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
