I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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