Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
