I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
