I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
