ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
