hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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