So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
