Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
