Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
