i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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